Insomnia

up late;
can't sleep
words run through my mind
won't stop
won't let me sleep
i should lay in bed, let the sleep take hold of me,
but i can't. i wont!
sleep will not come to my tired body. not yet.
alcohol runs through my veins:
not drunk, but not quite sober - in between.
stuck in between, as usual.
Caught in a trap of my own doing.
my eyes ache
my heart quakes
i long for rest, but my hand won't stop; my mind won't stop.
Need to write. Have to write.
This is what makes me exist. my words - written scribbled hurriedly on a page brings my being, my character, into existence. without this, i would cease to exist, disappear like my reflection in the mirror.
can't stop, won't stop.
need to sleep, but the pencil won't stop moving across the page. I don't know how to stop.

My web page won't load and so i am scratching my words on paper for the first time in ages. and my hand hurts; it's barely legible. but i just keep on writing. when will it end?
drunken words sing out to me; illegible.

Ophelia stands to my left, starring glass eyed at the water before her feet.
why is this the poster beside my writing space? Why do i admire, adore, a crazy suicidal character? why do i think her soul is beautiful? romantic? why is this idea of drowning one self, (insanity) so romantic to me?

Beautiful . . . innocent . . . dead.

my hand can't keep up with my thoughts - it rushes across the page moving as fast as it can, but still my mind races ahead and must pause to let it catch up. I hope I can make sense of this all when I slow down and take a breath.
Free verse - I haven't written this free, this unstructured, in years. I can't stop. my mind races
keep on moving on. i only stop when my hand aches too much, i wish i could keep writing for all of eternity. I can barely keep my eyes open, yet my hand keeps moving at lightning speed. I can't even see what i'm writing anymore. I'm not wearing my glasses and yet i still continue to write. my hand aches with the pain of a million words scratched in blood in a second and yet i keep on writing.
i can't stop.
i will keep writing till the end.
till my end.
till i collapse.

stop.
breath.
exhale.
Enough.

I've said enough.