Honesty at long last . . . at all costs. (Revival)

I thought of cutting myself
for the first time in
almost 7 years.
and it scares me
because I could almost convince myself
to pick up that knife
and rub it gently across my wrist
till the red comes forth.

and what scares me most, is that I can't think of
a reason for this.
unlike in the past,
I am
I am content in my life.
nothing I would really change (except perhaps location).
I should be happy.
I am happy
most of the time.
but not right now.
Actually, that's a lie.
What's worse is, I am happy. I am happy right now and still . . .
right now, what would make me smile
is my blood seeping from small cuts across my arms,
onto a knife grasped tightly in my hand.
I have the strength to resist
for now,
but how long will this strength last?
oh god, what is wrong with me?