Secret Thoughts

The secrets I keep

Hidden deep within me
Would scare you as they scare me.
The secrets I keep.
Understanding is a joke.
The world around me throws around words of concern, acceptance, caring.
But I know.
I know.
If i let you in.
If I let you see
The secrets I keep
Hidden deep inside me.
You wouldn't understand.
You couldn't understand
The secrets I keep
Hidden.
Deep.
Inside.
Me.
If you knew the darkness in me, the pain, the sorrow,
You would hate me as I despise
my weakness.

Cut too deep, not deep enough. 

No reason to feel like this. 

But I feel like this.

 Push it down deep. And lock the chest. Plaster a smile across your lips and throw in a laugh. 

Don't let them know.
Can't let them know.
The secrets that I keep.
Hidden deep inside me.
That I am broken.  Unfixable.
I cry for no reason.
Scars on my wrists.
Memories of horrors
I can't relive.
You think you know me,
But you don't know me.
I won't let you.
Because I don't want to know me.
Broken.
Unfixable. 

One Month

I wrote this three years ago, but never posted it.  I haven't posted anything in a long time and I'm not entirely sure why I feel like sharing now, but I do.

start anew

Slowly I am teaching my heart
to deal with us being apart.

One month has past since
we were joined - yet
only two weekends have I
felt your touch
your embrace
your gentle lips upon my skin.

Over two months since
we began our journey beyond friendship - yet
only four weekends have I
seen your face
your smile
your loving eyes staring into mine.

Over ten years have swept by since
we first met - yet
only five times have I
felt you inside me
you pulsing
your rhythm in time with mine

So far - yet so close
How can this ever be enough?
My heart beaming at every hello.
My soul breaking at every goodbye.


Your lover.
Your friend.

Starting up Again

I missed you.

I missed every part of you:

My heart racing with

every step pounding on the pavement,

the blood rushing in my face,

the cool breeze blowing across my skin,

the hot sun baking my shoulders.

I love you.

I love every part of you:

the tingling sensation on my cheeks while

I’m pushing myself to go further

the dizziness coming upon me,

the faint feeling ever increasing,

the phlegm creeping up my throat.

I want you.

I want every part of you:

losing myself in my thoughts

as I keep moving faster,

the aching in my lungs,

the refreshingly cold water sliding down my throat,

the cramp in my side,

the energizing music playing in my ears.

I keep moving.  I keep running.  Every time it becomes easier.

Every trip I can run further, longer, faster.  Keep pushing.

Like a drug, the more I run, the more I miss it, the more I want it, the more I enjoy it.

All these years wasted without you.

This time, I tell myself I’ll hold onto the feeling; I’ll remember why I love you - why I need you.

I missed you.  I missed every part of you.  I love you.  I love every part of you.  I want you.  I want ever part of you.  The joy and the pain.

"Mad Girl's Love Song" By Sylvia Plath

-one of my favourites.

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

I never write anymore

I don't write anymore because I'm afraid of the mood - the way it changes how I perceive my world. Feels like I'm walking on a tightrope connecting two high cliffs and below is sharp rocks waiting for me to fall into the madness of it all. I don't like the feeling - the intensity. One slightly mislaid step and I plummet into darkness. It's easier on my sanity to stay on one side and not venture onto this swaying, fraying rope.
But it makes me feel alive: my heart races, my pulse quickens, my thoughts start racing across my mind faster than I can move my hand to capture them on the page.
It awakens me.
But it's easier to sleep than to feel this. This intensity. This passion. I can't handle it. It's a . . . no . . . I'd rather just lay on the couch and numb myself.
I'm out.

I wish I knew what to say
to make the darkness fade away.

So Careless

I love you; you don't care at all.
I need you; you don't care at all.
I want you;
you don't
care at all.
I miss you and you don't
care at all.
I love you, I need you, I want you
and you don't care at all
you don't care at all
you don't care at all.

I hunger and I burn for you.
I wet my lips at the mere thought
of you.
Your touch is ecstasy itself;
and you, you don't, you don't care at all.
You don't care at all.

You owned me and my soul and heart.
But you sold me to free yourself.
I lay here and whither without you.
And you, you don't care at all, don't care at all.

My heart sinks into deep despair.
My lungs can no longer breathe in air.
My tears just refuse to stop - and you
you don't care at all, don't
care at all.

This song that I've written for you
and these words that I've sung for you
sound off into the empty night.
And you don't care at all
you don't care at all.

I hug you, but you push away.
My lips just want one last kiss.
I scream out, "Why don't you
love me anymore?"
And you, you don't,
you don't care at all
you don't care at all.

Why don't you care at all?

I wish you would care once more.

Untitled Dream

And the dream comes tumbling down like the rain during a thunderstorm,
the rocks crumbling from the cliff side.
And it dies here with me.

Or is it just sleeping; waiting for the right moment to peak its
head out from the shadows.

No one knows. And my feet must keep walking,
stumbling along this cluttered path.

We stand at a fork in the road, our backs touching. You
determined to set forth away from me.
Perhaps these two seemingly different paths will join up once again.

One can only hope. And dream.

blank page

time and time and time again
hours slowly slipping 'round
slow and fast and slow again
the ticking hands keep moving past
meaningless words trickle from my finger tips
nothing to say. nothing to be.
nothing to feel
today.

walking in this gray smoke cloud.

My one and only.

To you,
my lover and my friend,
You and I are one until the end
Of space and time and all eternity;
We sail across the reaches of the sky
With stars and meteors soaring by
These softly spoken words I send

To you,
my protector and my guide,
You show me worlds that others wish to hide
Behind dark pervasive clouds;
But in those secret places stolen in the night,
love springs forth shining our own internal light
And all my best laid plans I Confide

To you,
my partner and my soulmate,
On this our eleventh Valentine’s date,
I’ll kiss you gently on your lips
And pull the moon down from above
To give to you, my one true love
Because I have been forever joined by fate

To you,
my lover and my friend.

A cool summer's eve

Rage, anguish, and finally self pity.
This is what I have become - what I have chosen to be.
I could force a smile and brush the black cloud off my shoulder;
stomp it into submission, stuff it in a sack, and throw it out to sea, but
it is much easier to let it encircle me. Rest my weary head upon it's shoulder
and let the sadness and anger consume me.
It is all I am
For now.
Until the rain grows tired of my face and finds the next lonely wanderer to drench in its
misery. And then I will be free from this and from me.
The sun will shine again and I will let its warmth engulf me.
But for now
the sun's brightness burns my skin and I hide in the shadows where it is safe
and familiar
and cold.
The sun is not my friend today
but maybe tomorrow . . . maybe tomorrow I will let some light shine in my bleak soul.
For it is all within my grasp, but for now
for now
I choose despair as my companion on this cool summer's eve.

Deep enough to scar yet not deep enough.

Midnight yearnings

My eye lids are attached to cement blocks pulling them closed; all I want is sleep and yet I resist
the urge and valiantly struggle to keep my eyes open.
Lying in bed, I listen to you breathe. Soft musical notes float in the background
and I long to float along with them
wanting them to reach over, pull the covers up to my chin, and sing me softly to sleep
and yet my eyes are still open.
Insomnia - my long lost friend. Where have you been all these sleep-filled nights?
We were so close, but have grown apart. And now you have found me again - wrapped me in your encompassing embrace; you kiss me gently on my cheek.
and all I want is sleep.
And all you want is me.

(Because you are me and I am you). This one's for you,
like all the rest; just for you my love.

Sitting, thinking of you (with arms - outstretched
waiting for you) while words swirl round my head
and heart (to come home to me) trickling; down
to my hand and out: through the ink in my pen (with
a smile on your face) and I. sit here hoping - the
words will sort themselves out into, a fashionable
order with the punctuation in. their places and express
(and a loving embrace) my feelings of love and
adoration. (never letting go of me) to you - but after
every word has arranged itself, will it make sense
will they ? be able to show you how much you mean
(starring into each other's eyes) to me, my love. My
lover. My soul. My soul mate. (knowing what the
other is thinking)

all da way down

Drowning in the darkness of my doubt.
The depth of this dreariness dissolves my dearest dreams and divorces me from my desperations. The devastating, dirty demon death denounces my disposition and delivers me down to the desolating, devouring dampness.
Demur.

Scene through my eyes:

A mirror reflecting everything before it
and here I stand
waiting to be reflected outwards.
A slight shiver ripples across the otherwise smooth glass surface:
a ripple in time; a glance
into another world.
I reach out to tough it, but it slips
from beneath my fingers and dissolves
back into the unblemished glass
leaving no trace.
Did I really see it? Or did I imagine it?
Was it ever actually there?
A ripple of space on my mirror
another universe perhaps.
But now vanished.
I start to walk away, but sneak one last glance
over my shoulder. Perhaps it is shy and has returned now
with my back turned.
But no.
No evidence of that world shows.
Just a plain glass mirror and me.

The Protector (incomplete)

With his night light shining down upon the bed, he dives beneath the warm flannel blankets, wrapping them tightly around himself. He reaches out for a sign of security and his small frightened hand claps around a warm fuzzy paw. He yanks his tiger underneath the bedsheets with him, eternally grateful for the watchful eyes of his fearless pal. Liam knows that the monsters beneath his bed are no match for Tyler the Terrifying. Even now, he could hear them whimpering and shivering out of fear.
"Hah!" Liam shouts, "Not so tough against a ferocious tiger!" Tyler gnashes his teeth to scare them further and make sure they wouldn't dare even to peak out from under the bed, at least not while he's at Liam's side.

Trail Blazing

Soft stolen kisses
planted gently on your lips
a loving caress.


Eternity in a day.
A smile creeps across my face as I steal
One short peak into your eyes and it reveals: years of you
and I
and us.

Together we remain, watching clouds pass over us.
The world keeps on revolving, changing and evolving
and yet it is still us
and I
and you.

Here I sit alone with words swirling 'round my head
trying to express what has already been said
And yet I am not alone; it is always I
and you
and us.

Our histories and memories stretch back across the pages;
two paths converging into one,
but in my mind it has always been us
and you
and I.

Laughter and bloodshed with tears and smiles,
We have been through storms and calms;
The wind against our faces and the sun shining upon I
and us
and you.

We walk along, clutching each other in a lasting embrace
with a 9 year trail laid out behind us
and eternity set out before you
and us
and I.

Lonely Hearts

I dreamt of you while I laid sleeping in my bed.
You stumbled into our room in the early morning hours
and walked toward the window. You moved the shades and peered outside
and I could hear your voice.
I tried to call your name. I longed to hold you.
But all my efforts were fruitless. I was stuck in place.
My voice escaped me and I had not the strength to move.
I could not even open my eyes to see that it was you.

And then I woke and you had disappeared.

I think it was the cat.

The Loneliness of Heart

You slip away. A few weeks and you'll be gone;
Gone. Away. From me.
Emptiness and Sadness invade my thoughts.
And there's nothing I can do.
What will I do without you?
Who will I be without you?
Without you. An alien concept. Part of me is sceptical that I
exist apart from you. I live because you live.

I breathe because you breathe.

It is only a few months alone. A few months of solitude. A few months to know myself again;
my self away from your self.
And I am frightened and scared.
I don't want to admit that I could exist without you.
I don't want to know a me without you.

I am sick of here . . . but if I leave,
I can't leave without you.

I can't live without you.
With you I breathe anew
and there's nothing I can't do
under your morning dew.


My heart aches from the loneliness of being without you.
A whole summer alone without you by my side.

Just the thought of us being separate makes me feel incomplete.

I can't breathe without you.
I can't eat without you.
I can't live without you.

Silence

I've been
silent all these years.
Silent all this time.
the silence surrounds
me.