Secret Thoughts

The secrets I keep

Hidden deep within me
Would scare you as they scare me.
The secrets I keep.
Understanding is a joke.
The world around me throws around words of concern, acceptance, caring.
But I know.
I know.
If i let you in.
If I let you see
The secrets I keep
Hidden deep inside me.
You wouldn't understand.
You couldn't understand
The secrets I keep
Hidden.
Deep.
Inside.
Me.
If you knew the darkness in me, the pain, the sorrow,
You would hate me as I despise
my weakness.

Cut too deep, not deep enough. 

No reason to feel like this. 

But I feel like this.

 Push it down deep. And lock the chest. Plaster a smile across your lips and throw in a laugh. 

Don't let them know.
Can't let them know.
The secrets that I keep.
Hidden deep inside me.
That I am broken.  Unfixable.
I cry for no reason.
Scars on my wrists.
Memories of horrors
I can't relive.
You think you know me,
But you don't know me.
I won't let you.
Because I don't want to know me.
Broken.
Unfixable. 

One Month

I wrote this three years ago, but never posted it.  I haven't posted anything in a long time and I'm not entirely sure why I feel like sharing now, but I do.

start anew

Slowly I am teaching my heart
to deal with us being apart.

One month has past since
we were joined - yet
only two weekends have I
felt your touch
your embrace
your gentle lips upon my skin.

Over two months since
we began our journey beyond friendship - yet
only four weekends have I
seen your face
your smile
your loving eyes staring into mine.

Over ten years have swept by since
we first met - yet
only five times have I
felt you inside me
you pulsing
your rhythm in time with mine

So far - yet so close
How can this ever be enough?
My heart beaming at every hello.
My soul breaking at every goodbye.


Your lover.
Your friend.

Starting up Again

I missed you.

I missed every part of you:

My heart racing with

every step pounding on the pavement,

the blood rushing in my face,

the cool breeze blowing across my skin,

the hot sun baking my shoulders.

I love you.

I love every part of you:

the tingling sensation on my cheeks while

I’m pushing myself to go further

the dizziness coming upon me,

the faint feeling ever increasing,

the phlegm creeping up my throat.

I want you.

I want every part of you:

losing myself in my thoughts

as I keep moving faster,

the aching in my lungs,

the refreshingly cold water sliding down my throat,

the cramp in my side,

the energizing music playing in my ears.

I keep moving.  I keep running.  Every time it becomes easier.

Every trip I can run further, longer, faster.  Keep pushing.

Like a drug, the more I run, the more I miss it, the more I want it, the more I enjoy it.

All these years wasted without you.

This time, I tell myself I’ll hold onto the feeling; I’ll remember why I love you - why I need you.

I missed you.  I missed every part of you.  I love you.  I love every part of you.  I want you.  I want ever part of you.  The joy and the pain.

"Mad Girl's Love Song" By Sylvia Plath

-one of my favourites.

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

I never write anymore

I don't write anymore because I'm afraid of the mood - the way it changes how I perceive my world. Feels like I'm walking on a tightrope connecting two high cliffs and below is sharp rocks waiting for me to fall into the madness of it all. I don't like the feeling - the intensity. One slightly mislaid step and I plummet into darkness. It's easier on my sanity to stay on one side and not venture onto this swaying, fraying rope.
But it makes me feel alive: my heart races, my pulse quickens, my thoughts start racing across my mind faster than I can move my hand to capture them on the page.
It awakens me.
But it's easier to sleep than to feel this. This intensity. This passion. I can't handle it. It's a . . . no . . . I'd rather just lay on the couch and numb myself.
I'm out.

I wish I knew what to say
to make the darkness fade away.

So Careless

I love you; you don't care at all.
I need you; you don't care at all.
I want you;
you don't
care at all.
I miss you and you don't
care at all.
I love you, I need you, I want you
and you don't care at all
you don't care at all
you don't care at all.

I hunger and I burn for you.
I wet my lips at the mere thought
of you.
Your touch is ecstasy itself;
and you, you don't, you don't care at all.
You don't care at all.

You owned me and my soul and heart.
But you sold me to free yourself.
I lay here and whither without you.
And you, you don't care at all, don't care at all.

My heart sinks into deep despair.
My lungs can no longer breathe in air.
My tears just refuse to stop - and you
you don't care at all, don't
care at all.

This song that I've written for you
and these words that I've sung for you
sound off into the empty night.
And you don't care at all
you don't care at all.

I hug you, but you push away.
My lips just want one last kiss.
I scream out, "Why don't you
love me anymore?"
And you, you don't,
you don't care at all
you don't care at all.

Why don't you care at all?

I wish you would care once more.

Untitled Dream

And the dream comes tumbling down like the rain during a thunderstorm,
the rocks crumbling from the cliff side.
And it dies here with me.

Or is it just sleeping; waiting for the right moment to peak its
head out from the shadows.

No one knows. And my feet must keep walking,
stumbling along this cluttered path.

We stand at a fork in the road, our backs touching. You
determined to set forth away from me.
Perhaps these two seemingly different paths will join up once again.

One can only hope. And dream.

blank page

time and time and time again
hours slowly slipping 'round
slow and fast and slow again
the ticking hands keep moving past
meaningless words trickle from my finger tips
nothing to say. nothing to be.
nothing to feel
today.

walking in this gray smoke cloud.

My one and only.

To you,
my lover and my friend,
You and I are one until the end
Of space and time and all eternity;
We sail across the reaches of the sky
With stars and meteors soaring by
These softly spoken words I send

To you,
my protector and my guide,
You show me worlds that others wish to hide
Behind dark pervasive clouds;
But in those secret places stolen in the night,
love springs forth shining our own internal light
And all my best laid plans I Confide

To you,
my partner and my soulmate,
On this our eleventh Valentine’s date,
I’ll kiss you gently on your lips
And pull the moon down from above
To give to you, my one true love
Because I have been forever joined by fate

To you,
my lover and my friend.